It hurts, yes it does.
The pain is sometimes overwhelming, other times I am ignoring it. The pain never goes away; it is just how I look towards it that makes the difference. I could never forget that dream, when there I stood under thy right wing and that drop fell on my forehead. It was so painful and so beautiful in the same time. I knew then that I would be vexed. I knew I had to take up my cross bravely even though it will hurt me to the bones.
May be it was the way You wanted me to see how beautiful is pain. In the middle of the most painful moments, when I felt that I am at the end of my rope it felt so beautiful, because You were there. The more the Cross was getting heavier, the more your hand lifted me up and the more I saw how beautiful my pain is. It is so weird, that now I feel so attached to my pain, that I am scared if I lose that reason of pain in my life, I will no longer see the beauty, I will no longer feel that close to you.
Even though, I pray everyday that you take my pain away, yet may be if you do I will feel more vexed. Since it started a few years ago, it was as if it was digging right through my heart a bit by bit, just like a tiny drop of water that pushes against the rock to make a river. I pushed it hard, hard away. I wanted no more crosses to bear; I thought I had enough pain in my life. I can’t believe how I allowed that tiny drop to keep on falling on my rock, until yes it turned into tiny stream of water then now to a strong river filled with massive currents that is so powerful, painful and extremely beautiful. Through that immense pain that I am through, I saw the infinite beauty.
It is now that I am really scared that you would take my pain away, it is through this pain that I knew what true beauty is.
“Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun.” Song of Solomon 1:6.
